DO YOU REALLY WANT TO HURT ME?

“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” is the third single and the 9th track taken from Culture Club’s debut album, “Kissing to be Clever” from 1982. It was not intended for release by the band and Boy George (A.K.A. George O’Dowd), the singer and lyricist of Culture Club, even threatened to leave the band if the record label insisted on releasing the song, as its content was deeply personal to him. To give the song and its lyrics context, it is important to know that Boy George and Culture Club’s drummer, Jon Moss had a clandestine affair for 6 years, a situation which often left Boy George feeling deeply hurt and compromised.

 It is also important to acknowledge that 1982 was not great for anyone queer, and gay men were particularly vilified due to the level of misinformation surrounding the rise of HIV and AIDS. At the time contracting HIV was a death sentence and the rhetoric surrounding its origins and means of contamination was often false and highly politicised. The first recorded case of AIDS in the UK was in 1981, Northern Ireland tried to re-criminalise homosexual acts in 1982, and despite some progress being made in the intervening years, Margaret Thatcher said "Children who need to be taught to respect traditional moral values are being taught that they have an inalienable right to be gay"  at the 1987 Conservative Party Conference. Later that year Section 28 was introduced. Generally, the 1980’s was a largely ignorant and hostile environment for non-conformists – particularly anyone LGBTQ+.

Over the subsequent decades, there has been much speculation with regards to Jon Moss’ sexuality – for the purpose of this essay and general human decency – it is irrelevant. I think it is well established that gender, sexuality and all kinds of expression and preference is fluid over time and exists on a plethora of nebulous sliding scales on an infinite array of spectra – none of which are anyone else’s business. However, what is interesting is all the ways in which the love between two people sours, most of us don’t want it to happen to us, and so try and learn from other people’s “failures” instead.

The fact that Boy and Jon were both famous, scrutinised by the public eye wearing its judgmental, disapproving 1980’s monocle of shame, is pertinent though, as it is likely to have affected the atmosphere of the relationship – both within it, and the way in which others viewed it. Taking all this into consideration, I aim to find out whether Jon Moss really wanted to hurt Boy George and make him cry, and whether indeed anyone ever wants to hurt someone they love and make them cry.

There are three radio edits of “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?”[1], two start softly with an acapella intro: “Give me time, To realise my crime, Let me love and steal, I have danced inside your eyes, How can I be real?” By contrast the third version launches straight into the chorus after two staccato chords as introduction, akin to two swift punches to the chest and immediately confronts you with two loaded questions: “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” and “Do You Really Want to Make Me Cry?” Questions which cannot fail to affect; we have all been hurt by someone in our past, some of you less fortunate individuals may be hurting as you read this; it is not unusual. If we consider Boy George’s plight at the time of writing “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” we can all surely sympathise. Despite rarely wishing to, hurting those closest and most dear to us seems traumatically inevitable; even more distressing, is the pain inflicted upon us, often by those same people: and so it goes, back and forth, forever…

The fundamental problem with all relationships, indeed with the world, is that there is more than one person in it. The difficulty, and conversely the absolute joy and whole point of relationships, is that every single one of us has our own autonomy and agency – without which we are completely miserable. Simultaneously, we are miserable without having true and real connections with others; a Schrödinger’s Cat situation with the added complication of our innermost emotions and sense of self at stake. The more intense and intimate the relationship, the higher the stakes – a gamble we make time and again, like the lemmings of myth and legend.

To use a questionable analogy: Most of us roam around with a coat that is, and contains all our happiness and fulfilment forever, looking for a hook to hang it on. The hook must be securely mounted on a solid wall in order to support all of our happiness and fulfilment. This presents two issues: First of all, there is entropy – no wall, hook or fixing will last forever; secondly, no person, no matter how accommodating they claim to be, ever wants to be a hook, and certainly not forever. Ideally, you want to find people to share coats with, and who might hold yours briefly while you acclimatise to a new set of circumstances.

In real life it is not that easy, and we are all a bit screwed up and analogies only travel so far, so Boy George and the rest of Culture Club fell out eventually. Boy George’s infamous drug abuse and consequent erratic behaviour, no doubt played a major part in the breakdown of the band’s relationships. Amongst the chaos exacerbated by substance abuse, the pain and anguish Boy George felt as a result of Jon Moss perceived snubs and distancing, was bound to govern the whole of Boy’s being and existence. In an interview about the release of his autobiography, “Take it Like a Man” Boy George said: “In writing the autobiography, I can really chuckle when I look at the songs. I was acting out the part. I saw myself as a victim.”

I very much doubt that George often chuckles about the subject matter his oeuvre confronts without it sticking in his throat a little. Coming to terms with the fact that someone doesn’t love us in the way we want them to, is very painful and the first cut is most certainly the deepest. Moreover, the way Boy loved Jon was by no means the way in which Jon wanted to be loved, stating: "He's like a nightmare ex-wife. This guy's being rude about me all the time. I've lived with it for years and I've just had enough…"

What I’m alluding to here is of course that while Boy George continued taking a step too far, what he really meant was: In my heart the fire’s burning and whereas he could have wasted a thousand years wrapped in token sorry words, he became resigned to letting Jon go. Eventually resisting the urge to hang his heavy happiness coat on Jon’s unwilling hook, instead sorrowfully putting it back on and walking away. Some coats are very heavy, and from the little I know about Boy George, I imagine his coat as almost leaden – for which I don’t blame him at all. Shame, unkindness and being unacknowledged almost inevitably weigh a coat right down.

In summary there are an infinity of ways and levels of intensity in which people are able and willing to give and receive love and affection; very rarely, if ever, do they match up perfectly with our needs and expectations in one other human being. Heartbreak is vital to us, it shows us what we want and need and helps define us to ourselves and become better at loving others. And is why people who have never recovered from a broken heart are such insufferable cunts. Unless you are a sociopath, you will love others who have their own wants, needs and desires – paradoxically often because of those very wants, needs and desires. That two (or more) people love each other in a reciprocal way for any period of overlapping time is sublime, although it is difficult to fully know and remember that, because it hurts so much when it ends and wants, needs and desires are no longer compatible.

In conclusion: “No”, Jon really didn’t want to hurt Boy George, he just did because people inevitably do because their wants, needs and desired aren’t (and never should be) predicated on another’s. And at least Jon didn’t kidnap Boy, tie him up and beat him with a metal chain, actions which most definitely aim to hurt…

Originally written on Sunday, January 10, 2010

[1] The three versions are played in succession here: https://youtu.be/ujwcjtIR5Lg The third radio edit begins at 6:45.